I almost burned our apartment down this morning. My brother & his girlfriend Alysia camped out in our living room last night because they had an appointment in town this morning. Being the gracious hostess I am I decided to light a candle in the bathroom so it would smell nice for them. (Translation: one of my dogs peed in there last night and it didn't smell pretty.) My eyes were still mostly shut when I picked up the box of kitchen matches. I struck one. I struck one too hard. It caught on fire, the head snapped off, and it fell into a trash can full of tissues. *whoosh!* I grabbed the trash can and started blowing on it. Holy crap, I wish I had a video of it. I am about as useful in an emergency as I am in the kitchen. So my breath is feeding the flames and the air is getting very smoky. I'm picturing myself tossing all of my treasures (pictures, vintage clothing, computer hard drives, etc) off the balcony and then jumping after them. I tried to stick the trash can under the bathroom faucet to put water on the fire. Right. That worked great. Finally when I started to choke I realized that I was standing next to the frigging bathtub. Two seconds later the fire was extinguished and I had an embarrassing article to post in my blog. Woo.
I must get my cool demeanor from my mother. I recall that once during my childhood my brother caught our living room on fire with a toy cap gun. He shot it off next to a huge macrame hanging table my mom had made. *whoosh!* My mom freaked out. She grabbed two of those little single-person sized butter containers, filled them with water (about 6 oz. each), and started throwing water on the fire. I've never seen my mom move that fast, before or after. Back and forth between the living room and the kitchen sink. Needless to say, we lost everything in the room. But at least the house wasn't destroyed. Mom cried over her red velvet curtains and cursed macrame up one side and down the other. My mom can cuss like a sailor when the mood hits her. I guess I got that from her, too. Thanks Mom!
Replies: 8 comments
i'm totally unique in my cussing abilities. lol. i say weird combinations of things when i cuss - of course i also use the standard, no definitions needed. i once set fire to a trash can and didn't know it. my mom came home and saw that it was all melted - there was no actual flamage just extreme heat. so know i have this 'fire dog' poster from 1989 - my mom gave it to me to prove a point. i still have it and it hangs in my hallway to this day :)
Posted by tiff @ 09/09/2002 10:13 PM CST
Despite my perky personality, I belong in the "cuss like a sailor" club, too. Man, when I'm behind the wheel of the Volvo and I'm alone, I am NASTY! I especially like to cuss in Spanish so not everyone understands me. hehehehhehehehe
Posted by Kristin @ 09/09/2002 11:04 PM CST
I haven't been cussing much lately because I've been living with my parents...I'm stuck with saying "Crap" "Crud" "ack" and "Ugg" usually...sometimes they come out as CRAPCRUDACKUGG! I made my own personal cuss word lol
Posted by Zoe @ 09/10/2002 04:36 AM CST
Well you can add me to the list too Suz! I'm Irish. F_ck is part of their vocabulary and of course mine. Glad everything turned out o.k. You had me picturing you jumping from the balcony. Not a pretty picture...smile
Posted by Maggie @ 09/10/2002 06:43 AM CST
Where I live cuss words aren't even considered words anymore, they're more like standard punctuation.
Posted by Kassie @ 09/10/2002 02:39 PM CST
y'all make me feel so normal. <3 :D
Posted by suzie @ 09/10/2002 09:43 PM CST
ok sowe i hade this houme made smoke bome poudre and ould metal thermis,but not the right amount to fill it.so i got,this brite!plan to mix souw dust with it.and i fild it lide and all.miy frend and got on a bilding in my yard,we that it wuld be nete to watch frum up thar. O.K. sene is set right.then i lite the fuze wat fore it.,,,throw!it flies 3 fute then bum it blose up. shots the cap crast my yard ware it blose off to and gets the tall gass on fire.menwiel were on the rufe rite./THIS CALD FOR THE CLASIK!OOE SHIT.we wer doun fast man.put the grass out and prade ower mams.diden notis. in ohio
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